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My memories are still a chaotic whirl, but they are all there so far as I can tell thus far. It is just a matter of waiting for them to settle in to their proper places, then my mind will have no trouble locating them.

。.:☆*:･'(*⌒―⌒*)))

They are 'kaomoji'. It is making faces by piecing together text characters in creative ways.

I recall well how long it took me to place my memories back where they belonged after I woke. Please do not rush yourself. If the time you experienced back home is anywhere near as long as mine was, there is a lot you will need to sort through.

They are certainly creative. I can give them that. What is that bit before the face suppose to be?

It was a few months. I safely ferried my family's souls back to their bodies and they are now safe. I helped restore the flow of aether in Ardbert's world, so barren wasteland can once again support life.

Sparkles *:･ﾟ✧

You had to ferry your families' souls back to their bodies?

[He is glad to hear that it was a successful endeavor, but what would have caused such a thing to be necessary in the first place?]

Oh, I am sure Ardbert was happy to hear that news!

Sparkles... And then, what are the )) at the end?

When an old friend sought to pull me to Ardbert's world to save it you could say he... missed. A few times. He stole Thancred's soul away first. Then Y'shtola and Urianger. Then Alphinaud... Then Alisaie.

None of us knew what was happening. It was frightening. When I reunited with the twins upon the First I nearly cried with relief. I had promised not to always be there for her, and then shortly after she was taken away from me too. Right on the frontlines of war, she collapsed.

Needless to say, when I finally found my way to Ardbert's world I chewed G'raha out for his poor timings. Apparently Alisaie had done the same. That she didn't blacken his eye was more a shock to hear than waking up in a foreign world.

G'raha's original plan to return their souls home did not succeed, so once the First was saved it was a race against time to return them to the Source. There is only so long the body can survive without a soul.

I am the only one who can traverse between the two worlds in both body and soul on a whim. Thus it fell unto me to carry them home. G'raha, Urianger, and Beq Lugg worked on creating special crystals — auracite, similar to my pendant — that would contain both soul and memory. I could only carry what was in my possession safely across the rift. Anything else was too risky.

I was so frightened I would lose them. Even at home, with the tight grip I hold over my emotions.

Thancred, Y'shtola, Urianger. Alphinaud and Alisaie. To lose even just one more would have been too much. I was faced with the reality that I could lose them all. When I checked in on their bodies near the end they were stiff and cold. Skin waxy as a corpse. It hurt to see them like that. The twins, especially. My little siblings. Not much younger than Noct is now, but they're elezen and so've yet to hit puberty. They're my height right now. Soon enough they'll grow near tall as Ardyn. I want to keep watching them grow.

He was happy with a majority of what I told him, yes.

(*⌒―⌒*)))

The parenthesis indicate a smile so intense it radiates outward, like sunlight.

Speaking of which... It was you with whom I discussed my name, was it not?

[It takes Regis a little while to respond because of how horrified he is at the tale. To say that it must have been terrifying is an understatement. Too easily he can imagine such a thing happening to Noctis thanks to her description of the event and her mention of him in comparison to the twins.

Finally, he makes himself respond so he can stop his mind from thinking about since terrible things.]

I cannot imagine the terror you must have felt. Thank the Astrals, you had the ability to return them. Seeing all of my family still as death would have undone me.

[He'd barely survived seeing his wife that way.

Regis files away the information on the smiley face markings, but doesn't comment on it, sensing there is a more important topic at hand.]

I was. Why do you ask?

No matter the outcome I would have had to continue onward without faltering. To come undone is a privilege I do not have. I am unspeakably grateful for everyone's aid in returning them home, whole and hale. Alisaie has already begun to sulk over the lack of adventure to be had.

I am not simply a fractured piece of Hemera's soul — my soul is what was left behind of her when she was Sundered.

I was and am and have always been Hemera, just lesser of soul and lacking in memory after millennia of reincarnation.

I also learned of my seat in the Convocation of Fourteen. Hades was Emet-Selch, the Architect. I held the fourteenth seat — the seat of Azem, the Traveler. Shepherd to the stars in the dark.

While all the others stayed in Amaurot, Azem was tasked with exploring the world.

The other seats each corresponded with a constellation in the heavens, and Azem was the sun.

My symbol is akin to this: ☉

In Eorzea one of our Twelve is named Azeyma, goddess of inquiry and represented by the sun. Across the sea the deity credited with creating the Raen is the Dawn Father, Azim.

So it seems at my past incarnations have a habit of being deified. I am not sure what I think of this...

But the title of Azem feels right. The Traveler. It feels like me. Who I am, not who others tell me I am.

I am Era. Hemera. Azem.

I am the Traveler.

Shepherd to the stars.

Does that make sense? I don't know. I am so very tired and I cannot quiet my mind. But Ardbert is sleeping next to me, body and soul reunited. His sweet face turns the screaming of my mind into fervent whispers.

It's an odd feeling, being in love. I don't know if I like it.

[It takes Regis a while to respond because there is so much in this, and he has so little to use as a frame of reference. He has always just been Regis, the 113th Lucian monarch. When he dies, it's not as if his soul will reincarnate. It will go to wait within the Ring of the Lucii. Perhaps once Eos is healed and the Chosen King's job is done, his soul will go to rest, but until then waiting is his future.

At first, there is part of him that wants to be angry. Yes, it is an honor to be looked upon as a deity, but at the same time, those worshiping those deities do not see the person any longer. They only see the pure symbol they have made that person into. Is that really an honor then? To be remembered, but forgotten at the same time?

Era, despite her uncertainty, seems happy with her new identity, her new title, and it is that knowledge that allows Regis to let go of his anger. For, in the end, had they not agreed that a name can only be an accurate reflection if it feels right?]

And you are still Era. Your understanding of yourself is just more complete now, and you can recognize why certain things always felt right, even when you did not know why they felt right.

Love. It is tricky like that.

There are times when love quiets your fears and pain like nothing else can, and then there are times when it makes you fear if you can survive its loss. It is better to be without? I don't think so. Without love, we cannot truly understand hate. It is just like without joy, we cannot understand sorrow. Even with the pain it has caused you, would you truly rather not have loved Emet-Selch as you did? Would you feel better if Ardbert had not be there for you when you awoke from your sleep?

This is, perhaps, not the best time to ponder such questions. You are tired and your memories are still settling. Such questions require one's full focus to answer and you, my dear, are in no shape to answer them at this moment no matter what guidance I may give you.

Here I can be Era. A person.

At home I'm the Warrior of Light. Eorzea's Champion. A liberator. A saviour. A hero. I make the impossible possible. I am known by title and deed, not face or name.

I think I would like to go back to how I was before. Emotions dulled and easily cast aside in the face of duty. It was safer. Only feeling familial love, and the love I hold for all living things. That and sheer stubbornness are what have let me grow so strong. If I return home as I am now it would be dangerous.

I would have felt better if Ardbert was not there when I awoke. He was there and all I did was hurt him. It was awful. I gave him back my ring. I cannot bear to wear it. He still wants me to be his wife but he deserves better. All I'm good for is causing pain. Killing.

I am lauded as a hero and a saviour. Ending wars, liberating nations, slaying Primals. No one thinks of how many I've had to kill to accomplish such 'glorious' feats. My fallen enemies had those who grieved them. They were no less deserving of life as anyone else.

But to save lives I have to end lives. To save our worlds from Calamity I had to kill him. But he was so young. He was just a boy on the cusp of manhood. A lonely boy masquerading as a man for millennia. All he wanted was to be the hero his people desperately prayed for him to be. He wanted to save them no matter the cost. He forgot who he was beneath his title. He just wanted to restore Amaurot. His people. His family. His friends.

He tried so hard to kill me. He wanted to rip out my soul and destroy it. I killed the last of his brothers. I was the only thing standing in his way. But I killed him, too. I killed him and he was just a boy. A young man. A child. I killed a child.

Da it hurts

I don't want this

There is nothing fair or easy about being a hero. This you know too well.

[If he called her so she could hear a comforting voice right now, would she pick up? Oh, but he doesn't want to wake Ardbert. She would feel even worse if he saw her like this, and he has to be torn up about everything already.]

Right now, you are tired and it is easy to see the pain you have caused because there is no denying the fact that you are correct. To save lives, you must take lives. It is the fate of any who take to the field of battle; it is the question they all must answer. What is the point of doing good if you are doing evil in equal measure?

[Giving credence to her words isn't really enough though. She is in pain. Even if her words are true in many ways, confirming them doesn't help ease that pain.]

Put that question to the side for just a moment, my dear daughter. Can you do something for me? Take a deep breath. Remember when we were at the dance the natives threw for the anniversary of the first arrivals? Remember how it felt when I wrapped my arms around you? Focus your mind on that feeling. Block out everything else. Remember the awkward beginning and the comforting end. Remember your tail swishing around, a little tattletale of your moods. Ground yourself on the smell of flowers, the sound of music, the feel of the small breeze that stirs the air as people come and go. Bury yourself in the sensation of that moment. Tell me what you remember of it. Do not let your current feelings cloud it. Be honest to the memory.

[ He asks her to remember but she can't. She can't remember and it frightens her so horribly. What else has she forgotten? Were her 'new' memories pushing out the 'old'? Would she wake up remembering even less?

The thought causes her such panic that she can scarcely breathe. Not daring to risk waking Ardbert up, she remains silent as she gathers up the duvet in shaky arms and drags it with her to the closet. Her Carbuncle follows, lighting up the otherwise dark space just enough to be comforting. She swaddles herself in the duvet along with her summoned companion, focusing on its familiar warmth until she stops feeling like she's dying.

By the time she's calmed down she's so thoroughly exhausted that she falls asleep before she has the chance to do anything else.

Despite her earlier concerns, she is kept company by pleasant dreams until she wakes.

It's a good many hours later before Regis receives a response: ]

Good morning.

Apologies for last night. I could not do as you asked and it frightened me, but your words followed me to sleep and brought me pleasant dreams.

Thank you.

Edited (forgot an important word) 2020-10-15 21:34 (UTC)

[Getting her message in the morning is a great relief. Regis had almost called her when no reply came, but what he had asked her to do, he had hoped would help her calm down and get her to sleep. If that was what happened, he would never have forgiven himself for waking her up again.

So he waited and hoped sleep came faster for her than it did for him.]

I am sorry for frightening you, my dear. I merely hoped that remembering a happy moment from the past in great detail would help pull you out of your mind enough to rest. I guess in some way it worked, though not quite as I intended.

How are you feeling this morning?

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heavier 5.3 spoilers in here oops

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