kingkingcxiii | Hugtopia Mailbox/Inbox

She sounds like a wonderful person, and a wonderful partner. She has shaped you into the man you are today, and through you she continues to touch the lives of all those impacted by your actions.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[ She hesitates. There are more words at her fingertips, eager to come out, but she doesn't know if they would be welcome. ]

I may not have known her, but I'm certain she would be proud of how well you've done by your son. I know it was not easy to balance the duties of a father with the duties of your title, and that you were not always able to be there for him, but you did your best by him. You kept him safe, and have helped him grow into a person to be so very proud of.

[ If she's honest, she would rather listen to Regis gush about his wife than continue talking about her own partnership. But it felt good to express her fears, so she cannot regret bringing the subject up.

She also hadn't realized Ardbert shared their story with the king. Knowing he spoke of her to another brings a blush to her cheeks and a flutter to her breast. ]

He and I are Warriors of Light. It is our duty and our privilege to sacrifice all that we ever were or ever will be in the face of protecting all that we hold dear.

But you are allowed to say that it's too much, no matter what ring you wear or title you bear. What you think and feel are yours, and there is not a single soul in that godsdamned ring that can take that from you.

[ So rarely has Era heard tell of Cor. She had met the man not even a handful of times, but her impression of him was favourable. He seemed as duty-bound and dedicated to it as she herself was. A kindred spirit in that sense, she supposes. It doesn't surprise her in the least that he would suffer for so long in silence. ]

You and most others here engage in touch, do you not? An arm across a shoulder. A pat on the back. Holding hands. A warm embrace. Perhaps even simple, casual touch with people you have just met.

In all my memory, touch was something I associated with pain. It was the bite of cold steel in my flesh, or a fist against bone. A helping hand in the midst of a war zone. A solidary clap on the back from an ally. The heat of viscera against bare skin. The sting of aether knitting a wound back together. It was blood and bruise and broken bone. It was smoke and ash and death.

I was the Warrior of Light. For all that I fought alongside them, there remained a distance between us. No one dared to cross it, save for those who wished me harm.

Hades was the first to change this, and Ardbert the second. Now touch is the warmth of my lover's body. Lips pressed feather-light against my own. The brush of fingers gently against my brow. The strength of arms around me, keeping me safe in their embrace.

Touch is... difficult. It is something I am still learning.

I cannot help but wonder if his loss was my doing. If I had used my body the way these gods wish perhaps my dear heart would still be with me. Perhaps Aera would still be here if Ardyn did the same.

This happiness between Ardbert and I needs no ring. We are happy with each other as we are. He is my soulmate. There is no need for him to be my husband as well, and I would make for a poor wife besides.
[ ...And yet she has still given matrimony enough consideration to be wrought by all these fears. ]

Edited 2020-07-24 03:12 (UTC)

It was difficult just after her loss. I shut down, but there was no real time to process. Not with a country at war and a son to raise. She was indeed my partner and having that space empty so suddenly... Well, you know the feeling. It was the very same you felt when you awoke to find Emet-Selch gone.

[Perhaps his own feelings were more intense and perhaps not. After all, he does not completely understand their bond and likely never will. The best he can do is compare it to the greatest loss he has known.]

It is a shame she is not here to meet you and so many others. She would have loved to know you and would have been so excited at the chance to solve the mystery that is this world.

[There is a slight pause before he continues. Even with her encouragement, he feels hesitant to share his feelings for fear of overstepping.]

Noctis has a similar duty as Chosen King, but that does not mean I must like the suffering this will cause him. It is the same with you and Ardbert. Your sacrifice may be necessary, but it still is painful to me as someone who calls you friend. I feel similar about the suffering that Ardyn has been put through.

Touch is a quandary for me.

[With others, he might wonder if they were exaggerating the relationship between touch and pain, but he had seen the fear and hesitance in her even when she was quite young. She is not exaggerating at all and it makes him wish he could give her a hug so she has more examples to draw from that show touch can be as healing as it can be painful.]

As a man, I crave it. I communicate with it. I offer support, calming, and trust through it, but as king, I must distance myself from it. It becomes a danger, a sign of weakness and indecision, and yet, I cannot claim to understand how it must feel for it to be nothing but pain. I feel pain in its loss, not in having it.

I realize it is easy to blame yourself for things like this. Desipte Cor's best efforts, it is still my natural reaction to blame myself for my wife's death. When these things happen, blaming ourselves is often the only action we have to take and we are people of action. Doing nothing does not sit well with us and so we blame. Our minds become our worst enemy. That does not mean it is correct. It is merely the only thing we have left to do.

Saying these words are easy, of course; acting is much harder, but I hope maybe someday the words will help lift the blame you place upon yourself some.

[The next words are typed quickly as Regis as very strong feelings about them. Formatting them? That takes just a little longer. What is technology again? ~~Something he really needs to use more~~]

OH, YE OF LITTLE FAITH. Do you doubt Ardbert's taste so that you insult his choice of bride? You trust him at your back and at your side. Do not let your fears, as founded as they may be, become stronger than that.

It nearly killed me, you know. That loss, and the grief that came with it. So profound I just could not comprehend reality.

I wish I had no time to process it. I wish I was in the midst of war. Anything to help me forget the agony in my soul. But instead I existed in a daze, locked in his room, curled up with his lingering scent.

It had to be a nightmare, I thought. Just another of the bad dreams he would save me from. Even when asleep he could feel my distress, and would soothe me without waking. I kept telling myself it would be the same. I would wake up. I just needed to wake up.

But I just kept drowning in the neverending depths of my grief. I ate nothing. Scarcely drank. Did little more than exist in an endless cycle of restless sleep and torturous wakefulness.

I will wake up in his arms this time.

I never did, of course.

Ardbert was so afraid. I could feel the stirrings of our soul. While it did not drag me from the depths of my despair, it showed me the surface. Kept me from sinking deeper.

I feel such guilt. He and Hythlo needed me, yet no matter how hard I fought I was still drowning.

My soul had loved Hades for twelve thousand years. Twelve thousand years. And when my own feelings sang in harmony with my soul I still never told him. I never said I love you.

I will never have the chance. Not here, nor home, because I killed him. He gave me no choice. I cannot regret it. It saved countless lives. But he is dead, and I cannot be with him.

I wish I told him. I know he knew. He always knew me so well. But I never said those words.

If not for Ardbert I would have died. If he hadn't been there I would have wasted away. Hythlodaeus would have starved to death; confused, scared, and alone.

I cannot forgive myself for it.

Edited 2020-08-02 01:00 (UTC)

There is suffering too terrible to name.

[For a moment, that is the only response that comes. During the pause, Regis battles with himself on exactly how to answer. Her pain echoes so strongly with him and yet, his own experience seems less somehow. After all, while he grew up with Aulea, that time is still minuscule in the face of a love that lasted twelve thousand years. Yet...if he lets that stop him from reaching out to her, who will?]

After my wife died, I locked myself into my quarters for three days. I didn't answer for anyone no matter who it was. I left food untouched. The pain was so great, I forgot everything besides it. My country, my son, my responsibilities, my role as king. All that I knew was the pain and the feeling that part of me was dying, was leaving to be with her. The emptiness just grew as did the wish to follow her.

I'm not certain when the king began to stir again; I have no clue when he reluctantly accepted advice my father had tried to pound into my head for so many years:

"Your heart will be the death of you if you do not tear it from your chest."

Perhaps he was not completely right, but he was partially. I am certain the man inside of me died then. If he did not die, then he was buried alive by the walls the king created so that we could continue, so that the country could continue, so my son could have a father.

I thought burying it was the only way to go on and so I emerged from my room distant and missing part of myself. Missing a part was better than missing all, right?

Coming back here showed me how wrong it was to deny myself healing. Here, you have gotten time to heal no matter how hard and hurtful it was. The collapse, the damage it did to me, I would wish it on no one. Not only do I have a hollow in my heart where she once was, but now I have another which is the husband she once loved.

[Is he being too hard on himself? Perhaps, but it's hard to tell from the inside where pain still echoes and blurs facts.]

It's sad, isn't it? That we find blaming ourselves easier than accepting they have forgiven us a million times for things that didn't even happen?

They take a piece of us with them when they go, don't they? And when the piece is too large you cannot even begin to mend the gaping wound left in its wake.

It hurts. Even when it isn't hurting, it still hurts.

I tell myself it only hurts as much as I loved him. Somehow it makes the pain both better and worse.

I wish you did not understand it.

Hold Aulea's son close, always. Let that precious treasure you made together soothe the jagged wounds left behind.

Healing always happens, but the larger the piece taken is, the longer it takes to feel even the smallest bit of that healing. The hurt echoes in that emptiness and always will even if it grows faint as a whisper with time. Every so often something will cause that whisper to become a shout again. The pain reminds us how much we love them, though it is harder to deal with when they are gone.

[The second part of her message cause him to wince knowing what he knows of the future. No matter how much he wishes to hold Noctis as close as he can as long as he can, it just won't be.]

I will do it as much as I can until fate tears us asunder.

I hope I've a chance for it to turn to a whisper before I die. I do not mind the whispers.

Fate is a steaming pile of shite. Maybe one day we'll have the chance to tear it asunder instead.

If you ever need little boy cuddles and yours is uncooperative, Hythlodaeus is very soft and cuddly, and would not mind cheering up his favourite cousin's father.

If there is ever anything I can do to help soften it, please let me know.

I will make sure to take you up on that offer. I have not see Hythlodaeus in some time. I bet he has grown so much.

I will be sure to. Thank you.

He has grown enough that he nearly reaches my waist! He quite enjoys his current height, as it means he can simply walk forward and shove his cute face into Ardbert's hands whenever he feels like. You are not horribly taller than Ardbert, so Hythlo would likely be able to do the same with you.

What an easy way to get all the attention he wants. I should make sure to visit soon so that I can experience this for myself.

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