It nearly killed me, you know. That loss, and the grief that came with it. So profound I just could not comprehend reality.
I wish I had no time to process it. I wish I was in the midst of war. Anything to help me forget the agony in my soul. But instead I existed in a daze, locked in his room, curled up with his lingering scent.
It had to be a nightmare, I thought. Just another of the bad dreams he would save me from. Even when asleep he could feel my distress, and would soothe me without waking. I kept telling myself it would be the same. I would wake up. I just needed to wake up.
But I just kept drowning in the neverending depths of my grief. I ate nothing. Scarcely drank. Did little more than exist in an endless cycle of restless sleep and torturous wakefulness.
I will wake up in his arms this time.
I never did, of course.
Ardbert was so afraid. I could feel the stirrings of our soul. While it did not drag me from the depths of my despair, it showed me the surface. Kept me from sinking deeper.
I feel such guilt. He and Hythlo needed me, yet no matter how hard I fought I was still drowning.
My soul had loved Hades for twelve thousand years. Twelve thousand years. And when my own feelings sang in harmony with my soul I still never told him. I never said I love you.
I will never have the chance. Not here, nor home, because I killed him. He gave me no choice. I cannot regret it. It saved countless lives. But he is dead, and I cannot be with him.
I wish I told him. I know he knew. He always knew me so well. But I never said those words.
If not for Ardbert I would have died. If he hadn't been there I would have wasted away. Hythlodaeus would have starved to death; confused, scared, and alone.
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I wish I had no time to process it. I wish I was in the midst of war. Anything to help me forget the agony in my soul. But instead I existed in a daze, locked in his room, curled up with his lingering scent.
It had to be a nightmare, I thought. Just another of the bad dreams he would save me from. Even when asleep he could feel my distress, and would soothe me without waking. I kept telling myself it would be the same. I would wake up. I just needed to wake up.
But I just kept drowning in the neverending depths of my grief. I ate nothing. Scarcely drank. Did little more than exist in an endless cycle of restless sleep and torturous wakefulness.
I will wake up in his arms this time.
I never did, of course.
Ardbert was so afraid. I could feel the stirrings of our soul. While it did not drag me from the depths of my despair, it showed me the surface. Kept me from sinking deeper.
I feel such guilt. He and Hythlo needed me, yet no matter how hard I fought I was still drowning.
My soul had loved Hades for twelve thousand years. Twelve thousand years. And when my own feelings sang in harmony with my soul I still never told him. I never said I love you.
I will never have the chance. Not here, nor home, because I killed him. He gave me no choice. I cannot regret it. It saved countless lives. But he is dead, and I cannot be with him.
I wish I told him. I know he knew. He always knew me so well. But I never said those words.
If not for Ardbert I would have died. If he hadn't been there I would have wasted away. Hythlodaeus would have starved to death; confused, scared, and alone.
I cannot forgive myself for it.